Brain + Fairy Tales = No Go?

January 16, 2011 § Leave a comment

When I was a little girl, I was in love with fairy tales. Seriously in love.

I would sit for hours upon hours, just reading them by the afternoon light in our living room. I didn’t need anything else besides my humongous books of fairy tales and some sunlight.

And quite frankly, the same scenario would suffice for me now…if I allow myself to entertain it.

But somewhere along the road, I left that memory behind and locked it away. I turned my back on my childhood self — the one who believes in knights, dragons and princesses. The one who believes that the world is just and that things always right themselves. The one who believes in love…unadulterated, pure and heart-expanding love. I left her behind…just walked away from her like she never existed.

And the saddest part of it all is that I can’t remember why. I don’t know the exact moment when I decided that my childhood self was foolish or naive or ridiculous for her beliefs and dreams. I don’t know when I decided that the way she viewed the world was no longer valid.

Was it when I first realized that I wasn’t the prettiest girl in the room? Was it when I first realized that just because I have a crush on a guy that chances are pretty low that he is going to choose me as the one he likes? Was it when my very first kiss was only so that I wouldn’t feel so inexperienced by the time I got to college? Or was it even when I approached my first time having sex in a detached, cerebral manner instead of a moment to deeply connect with another human being?

What exactly had me walk away from my childhood self? What made me believe she wasn’t worth the effort nor time to celebrate or entertain? What exactly?!??! You see, if I could just figure out what made me walk away, then maybe I could figure out how to get back to her. The truth of the matter is that I miss her and need her. I need her to believe in something greater for my life. I need her to believe in love seriously existing in my life. And I know she is still with me — she is the reason I still cry at movies like The Notebook and Jerry Maguire. I just don’t know how to get her back to my heart — I don’t know how to find her and bring her back to my heart, where she belongs. I want to…I really do, but my brain needs to understand how to do it.

…or maybe that’s the answer…take the brain out of the picture?


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