Revisiting An Old Crush
January 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
To my deepest crush,
Everyone always has a former crush. An old flame, who from time to time, shows up in your mind and makes you seriously wonder what could have been. That is how I feel about you, music.
I have always loved you…always. And I will forever love you, will forever bask in the beautiful complexities and simplicities of your essence. More than anything, I will continue to love your effect on me and so many others. But I am at a space in my life where i no longer wish to chase you. I’m hanging up that hat. I used to chase you and try to capture you…make you only mine and love only me. I wanted you to give me all of yout beauty and wonderment, hoping that somehow your natural abilities would rub off on me and make me wondrous and beautiful. Turn me from an ugly duckling into a swan.
But I know now that was just me chasing your shadow. The thing is…you can’t be caught, nor be chased. You deserve to be welcomed with open arms, loved and nurtured. You see, when someone REALLY loves another???? You don’t go around chasing that one…you just let it be and accept what is given to you. You give yourself over…your soul and your heart. You give yourself to the one you say you love…if you really love as much as you say you do.
But too many of us believe that just because we chase something, just like we used to chase our old crush in the schoolyard, that it means that you must truly love it. But chasing is not love. Chasing means you wish to capture something that can’t nor should be captured. And chasing indicates that once you have caught that which you believe you love, the journey is over…the experience is done. But chasing isn’t love. Being consistently alive & present to your feeling of love, with no interruptions of fear, confusion or anxiety, is love. You have to be consistent in your love – not claim it only when you are feeling anxious, lonely, worried or sad.
You see, as much as I said that I love you…I now know that I was lying a bit. I adore and am in awe of you but I have never consistently loved you. I have allowed my ‘love’ to wax and wane…hoping that you would see how dope I was as an individual and come to love me…come and requite my deep crush. But it has never happened. And I now get why. I never gave myself to you, so how could I expect you to truly love me? But more importantly, I know that I will never be willing to give myself fully to you, never be willing to consistently love you. I am not willing to cross that line of complete submission of one’s heart & vulnerability. Frankly, as much as this hurts me to write it, my heart is just not into what may be required of me to love you enough for us to have a solid & gorgeous relationship. Shit, it hurts me to read that. But you know what? It’s sad…but I’m relieved…relieved from this burden I placed on myself, so long ago, to chase you, to prove my love and then be loved back…relieved of this strange tit-for-tat situation.
Tit-for-tat is not love, it is just a game…a game of cat & mouse and hard-to-get with that crush you always saw not far from your house…the crush you weren’t even sure knew you were alive. I don’t want that relationship with you, music. I would rather have you in my life as an amazing friend than pretend that I can love you in the way that I would want to be loved. And I know that now because I am learning what it feels like to love consistently, to be willing to give completely of yourself with no guarantees or strings attached. I now know the difference between short-lived infatuation and long-lasting love. I get it.
I bid you adieu music…but only in the fact that I am done chasing you. I will always respect and admire you…and love you in my own special way.