August 13, 2010 § Leave a comment

It is amazing to me that one can talk damn near all of the time and still be invisible. I am quite cognizant of the fact that most of my friends probably don’t listen to most of what I say — especially given the fact that on numerous occassions, they fall asleep while I am talking or just plain zone out. And it’s not their fault…I am absolutely convinced, after hearing it in work, during a class and just when meeting strangers, that no one is really hearing me. Not even most of my family since a good chunk of what I say is ignored or discarded. And I believe it all dates back to my inner nerd who didn’t always feel like the coolest or suavest girl in school — I was deemed highly intelligent but not necessarily the most popular or prettiest chick around. Is that why I get nervous still when the spotlight is on me? Is that why I seemingly lose my voice when speaking to people who I do not know, in large crowds? Which is all ridiculous to my friends and family since they have deemed me as a social butterfly, lol.  All of this leaves me wondering as to whether or not I am just speaking crap or I need to find a better way to communicate.

I am going to consciously remain in my childhood state of being — a state of being in which I talked a lot (around family and friends) still but I spent most of my time reading, writing and daydreaming. I think it might benefit me to assess the strengths of who I was as a child and bring them to my ‘adulthood’. I really don’t believe that I need to talk anymore…not like I do now. Hell, sometimes, I find myself talking just to fill the silence and not really because I even want to — all absolutely useless. I am going to find other ways to express myself and make myself heard because it is obvious to me that just talking is really not working for me — how ironic, huh? Besides, I find that I express myself best when I am writing or have written out my thoughts.

Maybe…just maybe…I came to begin this blog for a bigger reason than I originally thought…maybe it is because talking is really not my forte as I previously believed. Maybe my forte has always been through writing. Funny again since being a writer was the very first occupation I wanted to attain when I was a little girl…the very, very first. But then I thought I would be stuck in a closet full of yellow papers up to the ceiling (which were probably pages of a manuscript or something, lol). I then discovered singing and realized how much I enjoyed it and how much I wanted to perform and express myself with my voice — it all started with me practicing in front of a mirror after watching The Little Mermaid, lol. And then I told myself that I wasn’t creative and that I didn’t have anything to contribute to the world with my singing voice.

So…I think that in order for me to stop always feeling so invisible, I need to pay close attention to what has felt most safe and right for me…what I began to delve into as a child and then derailed my own self. But funny how what God has given you never truly leaves you, right? He gives you the gifts to never be invisible…it is we who get into our own way and lose sight of our own way out of a dark tunnel.

Thank you God.


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