Another night..wide awake…

July 13, 2010 § Leave a comment

I have had this terrible habit of staying awake late at night since I was child. But today, I learned that it isn’t actually a habit…and that it might actually just be an indication of a high IQ. Who knew?

Unfortunately, this probable high IQ does not lend itself to helping me figure out my next steps in this life. I have so many dreams…so many wishes…so many spaces where I know I would thrive. So…how does one choose?

Or maybe that is the trick, huh? It doesn’t matter which you choose…you will still evolve and grow and find your way back to some space where you can grow closer to yourself. I love whenever it is late at night, because I always feel very existentialist…oh Henry David Thoreau, lol.

You know there is an online university named Walden? I never knew until today…I knew Thoreau’s book but nothing about this university. Anyways, I digress don’t I?

On this night…I am dwelling upon that space one comes to in life where she begins to consciously let go of the barriers she has placed on herself. The mental barriers that bind her to what she thinks she needs to be, who she believes she needs to be, however she imagines she needs to be in order to be loved…in order to be pleasing…in order to be worthy of another’s sustained attention. I am sitting here, listening to Robert Glasper’s “All Matter” with Bilal giving a tribute to the music…pondering on “what is love?”…and Bilal keeps saying that “you ain’t even gotta try/all you gotta do is realize”. And the part of me that still seeks outside approval is screaming for him to tell me what it is I am to realize, lol…while the part of me that is actually done with outside approval understands…on some unspoken level…what he is talking about.

I sound a bit schizophrenic…I know…but I think all of us have a bit of inner wars occurring. Or maybe…maybe I am making that up to make up for my own internal warring, my own cusp tendencies, my own mood swings, lol. It is highly probable. Damn…this song on repeat makes me want to cry. My underbelly is laid bare when it comes to music…there is only so far that my analytical mind can take me before my mushy, feeling heart takes over when it comes to music…

Which is why I am so afraid of it.

As much as I love music…I love it ever so dearly…I am afraid that it will leave me ripped open at the prospect of unrequited love. What if my love doesn’t love me back? Love me back as I love him? What if he ignores me? What if he tosses me to the side and leaves me with my nostrils open and my soul torn — for all the world to see? And I don’t know what is more sad…that all the world would see it or that my soul would be torn…and my heart would be broken…

Again…it sounds a bit pyscho for me to talk about an entity so intangible as music…and yet so real…so…how can I not personify it? It is what it is…this is obviously a free-for-all writing session right now, lol…

But it is good…I finally figured it out. Finally figured out why I have been running from practice, running from showing up to music every time…because I am scared of him. Music is the complete personification of my deepest crush…and I always shy away from my crushes, lol. And yet, I can’t leave him alone…I can’t walk away. No matter how many times I try to…music always finds a way to snag my heart again…always.

Bilal sings while Glasper plays…what is love, what is love he says….love is…it is that inexplicable feeling that overwhelms your body, soul and mind…and evokes something from your soul…and places it in front of you…daring you to declare that it is not real…daring you to define it…daring you to constrict it.

Love is…music.


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