Diving into the ugly…
May 31, 2010 § 1 Comment
I am one of those people who has to sit on something for a bit before it manifests itself. And I am learning to just be patient with myself…to not necessarily push or pressure myself to create something until my soul is ready to spill it out. I am learning to let myself sift through the ugliness of my thoughts, my feelings, my sounds, my words, my voice…through all of it that comes out that is not at all good (at least not by my standards) and still keep waiting for the good to eventually surface.
For instance, I have recently taken up writing poetry in order to eventually move myself into the space of songwriting. Yes…I said songwriting. I love music, I love singing and I love writing…so I have finally allowed myself to entertain the thought of me actually writing songs (even though a friend of mine told me I should do it over two years ago…I am a little bit hard-headed, lol).
Anyways, I have recently taken up writing poetry and it is funny because at first I thought I could not do it all. I told myself that all I could do was just write on this blog and regardless of peoples’ positive reactions to this blog (thank you!), I didn’t have what it took to write poetry. Well, I have shut that foolish thought down because I am actually quite proud of what I have produced in only the past two weeks.
But what I have really done as of today is to record myself singing — in order to really figure out what my voice is here to convey, where I am most comfortable singing and how I can hone my craft. And I was terrified of actually hearing myself since I usually hate how I sound while recorded. But I have been forcing myself to do it…no matter how many times I cringe. And you know what?! I realized that my biggest issue(s) are my breathing and my annunciation. I mean, who knew, right?!? I would never have thought that but it makes perfect sense, especially since I talk so fast anyways…it would only be natural for me to sing fast and not think anything of it.
What I say with all of this is that I am learning that a lot of times, even when something sounds or looks ugly…it is not really all that ugly. There are just other things blocking you from experiencing its beauty. I mean, I am actually starting to see myself as someone who can write poetry…especially since now I wake up and the words are spilling out that I have to run quickly to find my pen and paper. And I am beginning to see, ever so dimly, that I can actually record something…that my voice actually has something to offer and that maybe, just maybe…the music really does live inside of me.
I am diving into the ugly indeed….all with the hope of continuing to unearth all of my beauty.