A Different Perspective…

November 29, 2009 § Leave a comment

I know what fear feels like. Not that fear that is caused by a frightening movie, experience or another individual. No…I am referring to that fear that exists in the back of your mind, right in the corner of your soul…that if you are not paying attention, it can take over your sight, your mouth, your heart like a veil over all that you use to express yourself. I know what that feels like…to feel like you are watching yourself and feeling trapped to truly be yourself. I know.

Hell, that is why I write…to speak who I truly am, to call courage to me, to encourage myself to pull out my true self and show it to the world. Why am I bringing all of this up now? Why am I speaking of this fear that can be so suffocating that you begin to think it is who you are? Because I now know what it feels like to feel the complete opposite of that fear.

I know what it feels like to have a sense of peace. To recognize the fear, to recognize the seeds of doubt, to recognize the oncoming suffocation, the oncoming anxiety, the growing frantic sense of being — and recognize it for what it really is….false evidence appearing real. I have said this so many times before but I now know what it FEELS like. And there is something very powerful in knowing something and actually believing it. I am a feeler, so things take root for me when I feel the power of it all. I now sit with a sense of peace for my future.

It is not that I do not have fear nor doubts…I do. They still come along, they still try to take root, they still try to take me over and suffocate my soul, my being, my body. But now that I know what peace feels like…I know that these doubts, fears and insecurities are not what I want. They are not for me. I thank them for their appearance but I keep it moving. Because I know that God has something bigger for me…I know because I feel it from my toes to the crown of my head. I thank God for this peace. I thank God for placing me in that space where He filled me up with peace and love.

I used to be terrified that I would never find someone in this life who would love me or would be broken if I was ever gone from this Earth. But what I understand now is that I am beyond blessed with so many people in my life who love me beyond understanding and would be deeply pained if I left this Earth. And I recognize that I would feel the same about them. And I understand that one day I will “lose” the people I love…but not today, not right now. So I honor them and the love they have for me by honoring their presence and accepting their love. And when I do “lose” them, I won’t really lose them because I would have spent so much time loving and being loved by them that I would have no regrets or worries that they didn’t understand the amount of love I had for them. And that is all we can hope for, right? Knowing that although we come into and leave this world alone — that we are not alone…that we are loved and that we have loved. Most importantly, I understand that what keeps me free is NOT me running from getting too close to people, NOT me being fearful of people seeing the real me and then wanting to walk away, NOT me hiding my heart from those who wish to love me…no, what keeps me free is loving and receiving love. I feel more free now than ever before.

Thank you God. Thank you for this peace and love. Thank you.


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