February 20, 2009 § Leave a comment
I find myself becoming untethered.
Slowly but surely, I am becoming unhinged.
And I have a huge smile on my face through this entire process. 🙂
I have always had the habit of being there for other people…even from my time as a tot. I was always looking out for my brothers, looking out for the younger kids at the babysitter’s, looking out for cues from my parents on what is good or wrong…always looking to someone else. Always. And I used to find great comfort in that…in being there for someone else, in being the good child, in having someone turn to me with a smile and thank me for my help. I used to really seek that out even if it meant that I was not really saying what I really wanted or needed. I have always put on a strong face for others because it was what I thought was expected of me, regardless of how hurt I may feel.
But now…now I find myself taking deeper breaths. I see myself curling deeper into myself away from outside influences. I experience the emptiness of so many interactions that I used to find fulfilling. And I realize that I am most definitely becoming untethered from what used to bind me.
And it feels so freeing….to be able to tell myself that I am not a bad person for not going above and beyond for another individual. I know what that is like…I have been doing for my entire life. Now, it is time for me to go above and beyond for myself — actually see how that feels. It should be interesting if nothing else.