I am enough

December 6, 2008 § 2 Comments


I began the year of 2008 with a lot of doubts, fears, and insecurities swirling through my head and manifesting themselves in my life.

I began the year of 2008 underestimating myself, wanting to be someone that people would love and gravitate towards.

I began the year of 2008 feeling separate from myself, hoping to find meaning and some greater purpose in my life to validate me.

And now I am here….almost at the end of 2008 and I am crying because I am so deeply humbled by all that God has shown me. I am so very humbled. I just got off of the phone with one of my best friends in this whole world, who I have known now for almost ten years, and I am so deeply humbled. I spoke with my boss earlier this week about my future aspirations, which would result in my leaving my current job, and I was so deeply humbled. I spoke with family, friends, and loved ones throughout the course of this week and I have been so deeply humbled throughout this entire week.

I am so amazingly humbled by the faith and trust people have invested in my life and my future. I have been trying to understand why God would choose me…choose me to have all of these individuals in my life who are willing to be reflections in my life and motivate me and inspire me to be my very best. To have even one individual in our lives who has unyielding faith in you, who believes so much in you that he/she will not allow you to give into your own fears, doubts, and/or insecurities and reminds you of who you really are — oh! to have that?! That is amazing. And here I have multiple people in my life who do that for me! Oh God, am I so blessed with Your love that You would have ALL of these amazing people in my life?! And have so many of them speak to me all in the span of seven days, to drive home Your point that I am indeed deeply loved?! Thank You God….Thank You.

I continued through the year of 2008 wondering whether or not I really had anything to offer this world.

I continued through the year of 2008 beating myself up and hiding parts of myself from the world.

I continued through the year of 2008 giving into fear and feeling confused and alone quite often.

But here I remain standing. At the beginning of this year and throughout this year, I joked around with my mom and my friends saying that “It was time to elevate in 2008!”. Cheesy? Yea, I know….lol. But I said it because it was cute and because I wanted so many people in my life to be happy and to be motivated in their lives. Did I quite believe it myself? Hmmm…not so much. I did not really see what the hell I was going to elevate, when I wasn’t happy with my current position in life and could not understand why I was not doing more with myself….why I wasn’t achieving more in my life when there were all of these amazing people in the world. Why could I not be more brave, more exciting, more amazing as all of these people that I read about or even saw on the New York City trains? Why?? Although I had great words for my family and loved ones, I did not have such great words for myself.

However, as this week has brought to my clearest attention — I have been elevating throughout this entire year. Amazing how God works, huh? God has been elevating me to myself…elevating me to my own consciousness of the talents, gifts, and blessings He has placed in my life. But moreso than anything, God has been elevating me to have faith in myself and to recognize that He created me, so there is no weapon (not even fear!) that can stand in the way of anything that I say and believe I will do. Throughout this entire year, my faith in God and my faith in myself has grown tremendously. Am I still scared? Do I still beat myself up? Oh yes…trust me that I do. However, I recognize now that those fears, doubts, and insecurities are just a part of the water that I have to wade through to get to the other side of myself. They are not roadblocks but merely speedbumps along the road — they jostle you and shake you up a bit sometimes, but they cannot stop you. And my understanding of this, my faith in myself has reached a new level — a level of being so much more solid than it has ever been. Oh, and I am so grateful.

I am ending the year of 2008 with the acceptance that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be — I am just human.

I am ending the year of 2008 with the belief that I can do anything that I set my mind on…I already have and I will continue to do so.

I am ending the year of 2008 with the awe and excitement that I am colossal and extraordinary right now and in my future.

In the beginning of this week, I watched the entire Matrix trilogy and wrote about the beauty and simplicity inherent in choice and the freedom from the question why. In the middle of this week, I finished reading”The Secret Life of Bees” by Sue Monk Kidd, and I reflected on the importance of persistence in love for oneself. And throughout this week, I was reminded that I always have a choice to be my very best self, at all times. And as this week comes to a close, and I read the January 2009 ESSENCE double-cover magazines on the impropable journey of President-Elect Barack Obama and First Lady Elect Michelle Obama, I am reminded of the possibility of being anything. So, in light of all of these reflections this week and throughout this entire year, I end this year with a solid resolution that I already came up with this summer but now I truly believe is possible for manifestation.

BE DIVINE IN 2009. Yes, I mean be heavenly. Be magnificently extraordinary. But I also mean that you should discover the beauty that God has laid out for you through your intuition, insight and reflection. Divine your best self — discover you and continue to discover you in such a curious manner that you cannot help but smile. Declare your life by what feels most aligned with who you are — you will feel it, trust me….you will know it by how you feel. So be divine in all you do and you will never be away from yourself, from your core. BE DIVINE IN 2009.

“You have to find a mother inside yourself.  We all do. Even if we already have a mother, we still have to find this part of ourselves inside….You don’t have to put your hand on Mary’s heart to get strength and consolation and rescue, and all the other things we need to get through life — you can place it right here on your own heart. Your own heart….All those times your father treated you mean, Our Lady was the voice in you that said, ‘No, I will not bow down to this. I am Lily Melissa Owens, I will not bow down.’ Whether you could hear this voice or not, she was in there saying it….When you’re unsure of yourself, when you start pulling back into doubt and small living, she’s the one inside saying, ‘Get up from there and live like the glorious girl you are.’….She’s the power inside you, you understand?….And whatever it is that keeps widening your heart, that’s Mary, too, not only the power inside you but the love….And when you get down to it, Lily, that’s the only purpose grand enough for a human life….Not just to love, but to persist in love….This Mary I’m talking about sits in your heart all day long, saying, ‘Lily, you are my everlasting home. Don’t you ever be afraid. I am enough. We are enough….” — August talking to Lily, The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, pages 288-289

I will enter the year of 2009 recognizing that God has relentless faith in and love for me.

I will enter the year of 2009 ever more curious to discover and declare myself and my future.

I will enter the year of 2009 with the understanding that I am, in fact, enough. That we are enough.

Thank You God. 😉

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§ 2 Responses to I am enough

  • G says:

    Hi Sophia, I don’t know if your blog is open for comments (u can delete lol) but I just wanted to let you know that I def understand where you are coming from. I think a lot of inadequacy feelings come from the fact that we are already extraordinary and our greater purpose, although not immediately apparent or clear to us now, is more fulfilling and rewarding than we could ever imagine. I think the gravity of our future is certainly weighing heavy on us now (almost like inertia). At least I like to think of it that way. Its frustrating not knowing what your meant to do or how you contribute, I def know, but you are certainly capable and qualified for anything you are called to do. A person like you is not meant to be irrelevant or any of the things you mentioned. We are special, just in a sense impatiently waiting for a Morpheus or some blatant red pill/blue pill situation. I also try to keep in mind that inspired action propels you forward effortlessly, it shouldn’t be hard to recognize when you feel it. I’ve been constantly searching for that. Define your own success.

    Also, from your Squidoo page, I have the opposite problem. Since I’m a systems person I love building, modeling, simulations (I’ve had every type of Sim game lol) and I’ve found a lot of times I’m at a loss for ideas but I have a yearning to build which is equally frustrating… However, it’s good you have good people around you, I really wish you all the best.

    -G

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