Men Ain’t Shit Syndrome = M.A.S.S.

October 29, 2008 § 6 Comments

I am convinced that we as women, at least in the United States of America, have a tragic syndrome. This syndrome is called Men Ain’t Shit Syndrome…..and it is ruining our ability to love. And hopefully we can do something about it.

Wait, is she trying to say that men really ain’t shit?! Is she trying to say that my love life is all my fault?!

Men Ain’t Shit Syndrome is in fact an abnormal condition, a disease of the sorts that affects all of us women. Now, whatever these men may suffer from (and I am sure they are suffering from something) is irrelevant to me — I cannot speak from their perspective. I can only speak from my perspective as a woman and the undeniable fact that I can only control myself. Now, on to the understanding of this syndrome.


For any woman who has ever freaked out or rejected a man as he has tried to get closer to her, you have indicated signs of M.A.S.S.. For any woman who has ever automatically assumed the worst about a man only to find out that he had the best intentions, you also have showcased signs of M.A.S.S.. And for any woman who has ever run to her the side of her friend to empathize and/or sympathize with her pain over a man and has told her friend that the dude “was just being a man/just being a jerk like all men/or any other negative generalization of men” — you too have demonstrated signs of M.A.S.S..

You see, M.A.S.S. can be seen in our fear to open ourselves to intimacy with the next guy who comes along, in our “inherent” mistrust of men’s intentions/words/actions, and even in our support of each other. We have developed M.A.S.S. as a way to protect our hearts from the pain, anger, anguish, and sadness that so many men can cause in our lives. We know, all too well, that sometimes men are just so callous, so foolish, and so selfish in their interactions with our hearts. We most definitely know that. However, the problem I have with M.A.S.S. is that it is an indication of something much deeper going on with us as women, that we are not usually aware of. Underneath all of the anger, sadness, bitterness, and meanness that is evident in Men Ain’t Shit Syndrome is really our deepest fear: that we are in fact not worthy of love, not worthy of being cherished and cared for in the way that we only believe we can dream of.

And I say all of this as a young woman who has been single all of her life and who has had her fair share of Men Ain’t Shit moments…just ask my close friends, lol. However, I am learning that the deeper fear that drives me to quickly shut men down, to keep them at bay, to mistrust them, to deeply hurt their feelings, and to never show them my true underbelly — all of these actions are fueled by my Men Ain’t Shit Syndrome and only end up hurting me and cutting me off from my own heart.

Now, I am not saying that there are not some men out there who truly ain’t shit…there are really shitty ones. However, not all of them are like that. And hell, many of them are in transition from being cruddy to shining examples of men. They are human and they are growing just as we are. But let me stop — this is not about men and who they are.

This about women, who we are, and who we can be. How many of us have closed off our hearts because we are sick of the pain? How many of us have been so hurt or have seen the effects of hurt on our loved ones, that we have sworn to ourselves that we would never let it happen to us (again)? How many of us approach men as if we already know they ain’t worth our time? How many of us expect men to give us the world without ever actually telling them what we want and then get pissed off when they don’t deliver? How many of us are gonna keep this ish up although we are secretly sick of it?

I know you are sick of it cuz I am sick of it. I am sick of wondering why I can’t find a “good man” which really means a “perfect man” in my head. I am sick of wanting a man to do something for me but not even giving him a hint of what I might want. I am sick of throwing daggers at men’s hearts, seeing the pain in their eyes and not even feeling like I have actually won anything in that particular battle. I am sick of it all.

So, if you are still reading this post and might actually agree with me here, then you might be wondering… do we deal with M.A.S.S.?

First off, accept that you actually have M.A.S.S. — denying it or acting like you are always right about men is just you lying to yourself. You are not always right…no one is. So get over it and accept it as a part of you.

Second, recognize that M.A.S.S. is NEVER going to disappear. All of those happy women you see or read about in fulfilling relationships? Yea….they still have M.A.S.S., they just have figured out how to deal with it, lol.

Now, be honest with yourself and be honest with your girlfriends. Call yourself/your girlfriends out whenever you/she may be showcasing a symptom of M.A.S.S.. About to curse him out cuz he didn’t call you for two weeks? Yea, take a breath and wonder: is it really all worth it?  are you really hurt or are you just afraid that his absence may indicate your deepest fear (remember: that little fear that you are not really worthy of love)? The more you are able to recognize the symptoms, the easier it will become to have a choice over the symptoms and not just react.

The key way to deal with M.A.S.S. is to love yourself and let the chips fall where they may. For me, that is truly difficult to do right now. So if it may be too much to accept that you are worthy of love, focus on making the fear (of not being worthy of love) into an object instead of something intangible. Understand that that fear is trying to continue to run your love life. See the fear for what it is…a fear. Remember that the fear is always worse than the actual situation or outcome…always. So, recognize the fear and treat it as just a heavy curtain that has to be pushed aside, so you can get to the other side. You will be standing after the pain, after the sadness, after the anger — trust me, you will most definitely still be standing. So walk right on through the curtain of fear.

And remember, please remember, that you always have a choice. You have a choice between cursing his ass out or walking away. You have a choice between believing another man will hurt you and believing another man can love you in the way you deserve. You always have a choice.

Peace out for now.


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§ 6 Responses to Men Ain’t Shit Syndrome = M.A.S.S.

  • Lewis says:

    I am a man or a in transition as you said. I am learning to be a man. I found this really helpful, despite not being a woman though we all have mothers so inherintly we must have that female essence somewhere. I too have quite obviously been projecting my fears outwards, I really messed with this girl who I was close to without being aware of it almost. I was completely selfish and blind to her position. It was not till it was all gone that I saw my reflection and did not like it. I will never treat one else like that but I just hope I am worthy of love, hell I know of worthy of love. I just have to give it without fear of failure.

    • Sofs says:

      Lewis – thanks for sharing. It is scary to give in the face of our fears, especially our fears of messing up, “failing” and just all around falling flat on our faces. And I guess, when I wrote this post, I was thinking about my own fears as a woman, how I hold myself back and how I really don’t let myself open up. And I am learning, all of the time, that this is a process…and at times quite a long process to give of ourselves in the face of our fears. And I am learning that this process involves us loving ourselves…or at the very least, giving ourselves permission to grow, to make mistakes and to mess up. It ain’t easy but I figure it is worth a try, right?

      Hope your process is going well and thanks again for posting – it is appreciated!

  • Christine says:


  • kendra says:

    Thank you for that. Heart felt and true. oh I know how my heart has hurt and ache. I been hurt so deeply. But truer words have never spoken. It is a mindset especially as a black woman. The pain and distress so many of us go through with our relationships.
    Its absolutely heartbreaking. Thank you for putting words to my thoughts. So absolutely thought provoking.Wow.

  • jervon says:

    I’m a man who always loved hard and been hurt by women with mass I’ve been a victim but women to me are the problem

  • Tiffany says:

    And I quote..”are you really hurt or are you just afraid that his absence may indicate your deepest fear (remember: that little fear that you are not really worthy of love)?”

    Beautifully written. I could write my own blog about the lengths that women will go through to assure and attain the love of a man. I agree with all of what you said, but I should say to the ladies out there that M.A.S.S. should not be mistaken for women’s intuition. We are given inklings that something might not be right for a reason. As the V.P. of M.A.S.S. Id like to thank you for enlightening me on my own madness!

    GO GIRL!

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