Follow my heart…and find God…

September 4, 2008 § Leave a comment


God only gives us what we are ready for…although sometimes we don’t understand because we cannot see through the pain. But if we just open our eyes to look for the lesson, we realize that we are not only capable to deal with the situation, we are more than prepared with God’s love holding us up and enveloping us.

God knew that I was not ready to even open my heart in the manner in which I am doing right now, even a year ago. I am less scared to open myself to uncertainty than I was a year ago. Uncertainty still scares me sometimes, however, I am much more open to lean into it and grow from it. I trust God more than I ever have in my life and everytime I lean into my fear and negative feelings and push through them without quite understanding what will be on the other side — I not only realize that whatever I feared  was not ever as terrible as I had imagined AND that I am joyous to know that I pushed through, to know that I pushed myself against my own fears and insecurities, and that I am stronger because of it. Everytime I lean into my fears and my doubts, the light within me is able to shine a bit brighter than it did from before.

I have learned how to swim and even practiced on my own without any help…:-D. This may seem like a small feat, but I have been fearful of swimming my entire life. I know there is still fear there, but to have pushed back a bit on the fear and to have inched forward and gained some success in not just swimming but also in my own confidence is so sweet.

I was going to move out of my current apartment out of fear and trying to flee to a supposedly “happier” situation. However, God kept telling me that it was not time for me to leave, that I was actually not supposed to go anywhere — and in the process, my plans to move out fell apart. I felt as if I had failed and realized that I had been so focused on having to move out, that I actually forgot God was preparing me for a more beneficial and safer situation. Now, my landlord and I get along beautifully and soon I will be moving into a bigger space in my same apartment that I actually can enjoy now and quite possibly for the same amount of rent.

When I think of these situations, in which I moved myself away from the fear and leaned into the uncertainty, all I can do is smile at God — and recognize that He was trying to prepare me for this situation which is much more conducive to my lightness of being instead of the negative feelings that can tie a person down.

I always have enjoyed singing and dancing…and although I still get nervous being in front of people, God has been preparing me through a beautiful friendship and with time, to gain more confidence in the abilities that He has blessed me with. And moreso, for me to more readily pay attention to the abilities that He has blessed me with and to honor them. And for that I am so grateful.

To have my heart called to another individual, in spite of my own uncertainty of what it would mean, in light of my own speculation about how he might really feel — and to follow my heart has been another huge lesson for me. And I have been rewarded with smiles, hugs, and just a full feeling in my heart.

What I am learning, time and time again, is that when I FOLLOW MY HEART and listen to myself amidst the fear, uncertainties, and insecurities that seem insurmountable…I feel more secure in my future and more faith in God than ever before. Because everytime I open my eyes in the face of confusion, fear, doubt, and uncertainty — I able to see that God has me fully in His arms and that there is a lesson to be learned and that no matter what…I will be more than alright. I will be amazing. So I trust…I trust God because He has brought me thus far and has never left me. And what a powerful and beautiful feeling that is…to trust God and to come back to that trust faster and faster in times that negative feelings try to cloud my vision of my heart, the place where God resides.

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