Sooooo random….

August 14, 2008 § 1 Comment


It is such a random thought to me, and yet it is so essential to my being.

I truly cannot operate without finding meaning in every single aspect of my life, can I?

The thought struck me today as I thought about how unmotivated I have felt, for the past couple of weeks, towards my job (moreso than usual). But as of today, I am motivated to be a better employee and to do better because a lightbulb went off in my head. I somehow found some meaning for my current presence at this job. I have realized that I am at this job to learn how to be committed to my work, to actually manage projects and tasks and see them throuh to the end instead of wanting to quit, and to actually learn how to motivate myself even when I am faced with daunting tasks. Amazing how all I needed, to get motivated, was to figure out what I am supposed to learn from this current job…right? Funny how I have somehow assigned this current job some type of “meaning” in my life and now I can all of a sudden commit myself to it because I believe that somehow, it will affect my future endeavors and will make me better for it…right?

You see, I am a bit worried about my deep need to believe that there is a bigger reason for whatever it is that I involve myself in, other than just the surface reasons (ie: rent, status, fiscal security, etc.). I worry that my constant search for meaning is going to drive me crazy one day — I know I definitely have a powerful and active imagination. What if I am so busy searching for meaning, so busy searching for the “why” in the way my life unfolds that I miss the actual experience of my life? I wonder if my constant search for the light at the end of the tunnel blocks me from just being in the tunnel, walking/running/careening throughout the tunnel and just letting go of whether or not I will make it out of the tunnel?

Hmmm…or maybe it is no big thing….maybe it is good that I search for meaning, some sort of rock to hold on to amidst all the tosses and turns of life? Maybe it is good that I am constantly searching for something steady to hold onto, instead of feeling like a piece of driftwood in the water, that allows life to push and pull it wherever life decides to go. Maybe it is good that I am constantly searching for some direction, constantly looking for what I can learn from a situation, constantly looking to grow.

Hmmm….maybe that is the true key to my being. Growth.

Growth never stops, it is always a challenge, but it is always so delicious on the other side – no matter what it took for one to get to the other side. Growth indicates a stretching and shrinking of the soul, the mind, the being…in order to settle into a space that fits perfectly. I love the concept of growth…it feels so good. Growth means I am alive. And if I am alive, God has spared my life for another day. And if my life has been spared another day…maybe what I am supposed to do here on this earth has yet to be completed. Which means I have another opportunity to somehow contribute to this earth, to this life, to those around me….to be able to give of myself in some way. Hmmm…maybe that is why I yearn so much for meaning — without it, there is no growth of the mind and soul because there would be no reflection upon the lessons learned/to be learned…which means one is just stagnant.

Who wants to be stagnant?

Hmmm…however crazy my need to find meaning is…I think I will stick with it for now…especially if it means I am constantly growing in my reflections and introspection upon my life. And especially if it means that I am most definitely not stagnant.

Funny how this ridiculously random post grew out of one simple (random) thought — I am most definitely random (lol). So if you read this and it makes no sense…just keep it moving. That’s what I’m gonna do….lol.      😉

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