being honest…

July 12, 2008 § Leave a comment

“some of them want to use you/some of them want to be used by you/some of them want to confuse you/some of them want to be abused/sweet dreams are made of these/who am I to disagree/travel the world and the seven seas/everybody’s looking for something”

I just happened to hear this song as I was sitting down to write this hours ago and it struck me as interesting to hear it at that moment in time. The concept that everybody is looking for something….what am I looking for? What are the people around me looking for? What are the people around me looking for and may have possibly found in me? Do I have people around me who only see ways in which they can benefit from being around me? Do I have people around me who only see me as a possible cushion to rest upon from time to time, like an old teddy bear that is comforting and always there? I don’t know but that quote and this past week as forced me to look carefully at the concept of honesty.

When people speak about being honest, the imagery of a trustworthy and stand-up person is what is conjured in my mind. However, being honest is also painful…sometimes even too painful to want to deal with. And this week I have been asking myself if I am really being honest with myself and those around me.

What do you do when you begin to realize, ever so slowly because you are probably running from the thought, that your friendship with an individual may be coming to an end? And not because this person is a “bad” person, not because this individual hurt you deeply, but simply because you are looking for something else that you are not really finding in this particular individual anymore? Which hurts more? Is it better just to fight and part ways with a bitter taste in one’s mouth, that you can always bring back to the tip of your tongue by rehashing it and keeping yourself angry and making yourself feel better because “that heffer really ain’t shit”? Or is it better to begin to slowly untangle yourself and let the person know that he can no longer play the role that he used to play in your life — and that it is not an indicator of anything wrong with him nor is there anything that he can do, but it is simply that some people are in your life for just a mere season?

So then I wonder….what is it that I am looking for, if in fact everyone is looking for something? What am I willing to ‘travel the Seven Seas and the world’ for? What am I am on the hunt for? Hmm…you know the funny thing about life and the questions that we pose to ourselves? It is the fact that most of the time, we already know the answers…most of the time, it is just us getting out of our own way to see the answers…kind of like when you are looking for something and you always find it in the place that you last looked…it is always there, just waiting for you to find it…waiting for you to look in the right place…but it is always there…so when I ask myself these questions, I sometimes laugh to myself, because I know that I already know….I guess it is just good to write it down and have it in front of me..

I am looking for positivity, I am looking for a love of life, I am looking for passion, I am looking for a friend who is willing to pick me up when I need it most and one I can pick up when he/she needs it most. But mostly, I am looking for friends where there are no roles that need to be played, but simply me just being me….and they roll with the punches and the laughs. You see, I used to be an individual who relied heavily on roles to direct and define me. And now I am in a space where I see roles as ridiculously useless and limitless, if nothing else. And the role I used to be amazing at was ‘follow the leader’. I was great at following people, and not without my own thoughts of course, but I was much more afraid to strike out on my own because I didn’t understand anything of the world and I was very much afraid of it. Now, I still don’t know much of the world, but I am not as afraid of it anymore…now I embrace it more and look to learn from it (or I sure as hell try). So what do you do when you begin to realize that you may not be learning as much as you like from those who have been around you? What do you do when you no longer recognize much of yourself in friends? What do you when you feel sometimes feel weighed down after having spoken to such individuals?

Well, since ignoring these feelings, circumventing these thoughts, and shrugging off these negative reactions are not working, I guess I am gonna have to be honest, right? Even if I have barely had raw and honest discussions about the friendship before? Even if the friendship has been around for quite some time? Shit, this ain’t gonna be easy at all….what happened to the days when you told people they had cooties, screamed and then just ran away? Hahaha….that would be a trip if I did that, wouldn’t it?

They say the first step is getting rid of the denial….

now on to step two…?


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