coming back to me…what a beautiful joy

June 27, 2008 § Leave a comment


I don’t know what to title this post quite yet…maybe I will figure it out by the time I am done writing…maybe I won’t…but I can tell you that today is one of those days where my head feels too full and my heart feels too heavy.

today, I was presented with a question which slightly threw me for a loop…but obviously a big enough loop because I am still thinking about it…lol…I was asked if I ever have “mindless fun anymore” in light of the fact that I now “always seem so deep, serious, and inspirational” ?

And my first reaction was to laugh…simply because it is a slightly strange question to pose…but then, once the conversation was over, I thought it about some more and some more…until I reached this screen, lol.

And I wonder what ‘mindless fun’ really is?

Does it mean I completely leave all of my cares behind and just enjoy myself? Cuz if it does, then I know that I definitely try to do that…I don’t get to do it as often as I would like, but I definitely make sure that each week, I just take some time to myself, some time to play games, read, laugh to myself, watch a whole bunch of YouTube videos, or just enjoy nature and look out the window. As a matter of fact, I think I take time to let myself be in the moment just about every day — otherwise, I know I would go insane trying to deal with all of the different energies that people give off.

Does it mean that I go with the flow and enjoy myself? If so, then I do this too….lol…I am learning, more and more, every day that I need to muster up the courage to change the things that I can, hold onto the serenity to accept the things that I cannot, and embrace the wisdom to know the difference. And as I remember that although I cannot control everything, I can in fact change how I respond and embrace that wisdom — I feel more free and more accepting of the flow of life itself. And then, it is okay if I am approached in a manner that is not quite friendly or very warm — because I understand that I can only change myself. Now, how I am feeling right now, very accepting of the flow and very much at peace, is not how I was even 15 minutes ago. And that is why I thank God for writing…this writing to a (slightly) invisible audience…which allows me to breathe and process my feelings and re-center myself…

Does it mean that I go out and party? I know I definitely still do that….I don’t do it to the same extent as I used to because what I realized over time is that even in the midst of all the partying I used to do, I never felt quite satisfied. I never really felt like I had really just had a good time…I usually felt rejected, dejected, or a bit unhappy at how the night’s events may have turned out. And if I did have a big smile on my face, it was because I had not really been partying but I had been connecting with people and that is what made all of the difference to me. But if the partying just involved drinking a lot and then trying to dance to not so great music, whatever smile was on my face was there so as not to worry others as to how I really felt. I realized that I had gotten really good at putting on a face so as to not worry others or even so as not to worry myself. I don’t regret all of the partying — no, not at all. I needed to do that, I needed to express myself in that way and to stumble (literally) to this point. But what I have realized over this past year is that a) if I feel empty before I drink, drinking is not going to change how I feel..it will just cover it up until later on in the morning and b) I have had some amazing times going out, just enjoying the music, dancing and singing to my heart’s content w/o a care in the world, and all without alcohol. That shocked the hell out of me! And since then, I know that I don’t need to wile out in order to have a good time…I just need to be and the good times will always find me. :-p

Does it mean that I completely lose myself in the moment and just lose touch with even myself? If this is what it means, then I guess the answer is no, I do not have mindless fun anymore. I have become much more protective of myself…not in the sense that I hide from the world, but in the sense that I understand that I cannot always give of myself (because by nature, I am a giver) without giving back to myself. A year ago, I would have not even been writing, let alone writing a blog or even writing consistently in a blog. This is my space…my space to breathe, to let go of things, my space to sort out all of the heavy things in my mind and the heavy things on my heart — even six months ago, I would have not thought of the importance of being aware of myself and trying to keep myself as centered as possible. This is where I restore myself when I have run out of words to say to people, when I have run out of ways to inspire, to motivate, and to believe in people. This is where I come to restore myself — this is where I come to spend some quality time breathing and acknowledging God and letting it go…and coming back to myself…..

I don’t know what my friend meant when he posed that question to me or even what ‘mindless fun’ really means because we never got that far in the conversation…but I know that whoever I am right now is who I need to be…and whoever he is right now is who he needs to be. And my acceptance of this is refreshing….and if he ever reads this, he may be annoyed that I chose to write about his question, or he might be perplexed as to why I took a seemingly simple question and turned it into a whole blog post, or he might not even care. But the fact of the matter is that none of that matters — however he perceives this, if he ever does, is how he will perceive it. And right now, how and why I came about writing this is only something I can affect….and I am glad I have written….hhmmm…..

another thought that just popped into my head…could it be, that who I am now, this deep, inspirational, and maybe even serious person is who I really am? Underneath the exterior, underneath the wiling out, underneath the smiles with sad eyes…could it be that this is who I am supposed to be? I can say, just for myself, I don’t feel more right then when I am connecting with people, talking with people, listening to people, inspiring, motivating, and helping to solve problems. It it is what I seem to do best (and I have even confirmed this in my “What Color Is Your Parachute?” book, lol)…it is what allows me to be so nurturing and to wear my heart on my sleeve…it is what propels me to be able to reach so many different people and to touch so many different people — because it is when I am being inspirational, introspective, reflective, communicative, and serious that I feel myself most deeply resonate with myself (if that makes any sense, lol). And to not just feel that but to recognize that feeling and what is producing that feeling…it causes a shift of sorts. Not a complete shift of course, but a shift in the right direction, huh? A shift that feels right and that feels good…and that feels to me, like maybe this what I am supposed to be on this Earth doing. So maybe, just maybe, I am coming more into who I really am….Ah! What a joy it is to be able to write that and to smile and know that I think I am hitting it dead on the mark.

Aaahhh…what a beautiful joy. :-p

ooohhh…and I did find a title after all…..

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